Monologue Jokes

Here are some new monologue jokes we’ve been working on for Talk Hard.

A former Republican leader, who had made fun of Anthony Weiner on Twitter a couple months ago, was arrested this week for sexting, with a minor. It’s all part of the GOP’s new slogan, “We Don’t Know How The Internet Works!” (Monique)

Colorado police on Monday arrested a 19-year-old rapper who was recording a song about a police standoff…while in the middle of an actual police standoff. The song is entitled, “Is It Still Considered Writing If I’m Just Telling You What’s Happening To Me As It Happens?” (Corey)

This week a Michigan couple welcomed their 12th son. They’ve decided to name him, “Damn it! Again?” (Monique)

Feeling his way around and without a blueprint to guide him, a blind man in Texas is building his dream house by hand. Well, at least that’s what we’re telling him. (Corey)

In an interview this week, Sylvester Stallone called Bruce Willis “lazy” and “greedy”. At least, that’s what it kind of sounded like he said. (Monique)

Singer Chris Brown has been promoting his new album this week. The album is Brown’s 6th record, and it’s titled “X”, featuring the single “I Don’t Understand Roman Numerals”. (Corey)

A surgeon from the Russian region of Siberia was arrested after he allegedly stole some of the heroin from the stomach of the drug mule that police hired him to remove.  The doctor figured, what’s the worst they could do? Send him MORE to Siberia? (Corey)

A couple who was arrested for having a lot of oral sex on a plane could be face 90 days in jail. Can you blame them for wanting something better to eat than airplane food? (Monique)

A black bear broke into an Idaho house and ate left over Chinese from the kitchen. Then mama bear broke in and said, “These Chinese leftovers are too cold.” (Monique)

The bear was found sitting in his kitchen, licking a pan. The Idaho man who found the bear in his house said, “I don’t know if a bear shits in the woods, but I do know that I shit in my pajamas.” (Corey)

* Made it in the show!

Monologue Jokes

As you may or may not know, we’re both monologue writers for Talk Hard, the late-night talk show that takes place every Friday at 12:00 midnight at the  Chicago ComedySportz theater. The show is really fun and just keeps getting better. Not only were we named the “Best Sketch and Improv Troupe” by The Reader, it’s been extended through the rest of the year!

As monologue writers, we have to write 20 news-based jokes a week. Out of about 400 + jokes, ours often make it into the show. It’s great, because it keeps our writing our skills up, but it’s also keeping us current on the weird news out there. Often we share the jokes on Facebook and Twitter after the show, so we figured we might as well put them up here. Here are some of our favorites from this week and a few weeks back.

Talk Hard Monologue Jokes week of Aug 2nd

- A man in South Carolina was arrested this week after his girlfriend alleged that he assaulted her by throwing a piece of pizza at her, then slamming her on a kitchen counter. Honestly, ma’am, I’d lead with the kitchen counter thing. (Corey)

A 50-year-old man in Maine accidentally pooped his pants at the federal courthouse this week, and made such a mess trying to clean it up, that the judge gave the man a week in jail. So get ready for the new hit series on Netflix, “Orange is the new Brown”! (Corey)

In a letter written from prison, former New England Patriots football player Aaron Hernandez maintains he is innocent of the murder charges against him, saying he can’t wait to prove all the haters wrong. Or at the very least murder them for talking shit. (Corey)

- Leah Remini has broken her silence on her leaving Scientology…. Aaand now Leah Remini is dead. (Monique)

- A jealous father stabbed a t-ball coach in front of the kids at the park. And you thought YOUR father was embarrassing. (Monique)

- A 9 yr old Arizona boy digging for worms was surprised to find a handgun… Those worms were like, “This is a stick up. Now give me all your dirt.” (Monique)

Another study out this week claims that the ritual of singing “Happy Birthday” actually makes cake taste better. Except when you’re alone. (Corey)

- Authorities in Florida are searching for clues about a human skull found near the ninth hole of a Miami-area golf course. For now, police are calling the area a crime scene and warning golfers that messing with the skull is a felony and subject to a two-stroke penalty. (Corey)

Taco Bell announced that they’re no longer going to sell kids meals.  So now kids can get grown-up diarrhea! (Monique)

An Oklahoma woman allegedly attempted to stab her neighbor Monday afternoon over the fact that she had sex with her cat. (shrugging shoulders in saddness) Another case of pussy on pussy on pussy crime. (Monique)

* The New England Patriots are offering fans the opportunity to trade-in Aaron Hernandez jerseys for any other team player’s jersey, after Hernandez’ arrest on murder charges last month. That’s right kids! Turn in that murderer’s jersey for any number of these domestic abuse offender jerseys!  (Corey)

The Hooters owl logo has a new, modern look. Yeah, they’re saggier with stretch marks now. (Monique)

* Actually made it in the show!

If I was a writer for The Onion

Found these in one of the many folders on my desktop titled “Writing”.

onion2

In-laws call couple’s dog “a practice baby”, despite couple never saying they were considering having a baby.

“I was thinking lentils”, said Chicago man who realized he actually does like couscous.

Even the actress who portrayed Cousin Pam in The Cosby Show thinks it’s stupid to refer to your cousin as “cousin”.

Evidence suggests actor who played the older brother in ET invented Facebook.

Local man doesn’t give a shit about wife’s Weight Watcher Points.

Mediocre comedian joins Instagram in order to “take it to the next level.”

- The Wife

Lemonade band – AKA the dumbest bestest thing ever

A few weeks ago I was asked to be a part of the stupidest project ever. My friend Steve Delahoyde (of Delahoyde Projects) found a poster last summer that advertised a “band in town” called the “Lemonade Band”. They’re “a group of four girls” who promised that they’d sell lemonade “and other yummy treats” at their concerts. Read the whole story HERE. Being the hilarious, creative dude that Steve is, he knew he had to turn this into a music video… you know, like you do.

Lemonade Band

I’ve worked with Steve in the past, doing hair and makeup for his various commercial work. I was thrilled to get to be on the other side of the camera this time (well… and I did a little makeup too). From the crew to the cast, it was an absolute blast and again, really stupid. Enjoy!

Check out the Lemonade Band website at lemonadeband.com and all of Delahoyde Project at thehoyde.com.

Comedy Couples: Steve Kaminski and Katie Neff

Hey, it’s another installment of our favorite running segment on this blog: Comedy Couples! Today’s comedy couple is Steve Kaminski and Katie Neff. We first met Steve and Katie back when they lived in Chicago. They were mainstays of the community, performing at the typical places – iO, The Playground, The Annoyance when Katie wasn’t out touring with The Second City. Steve and Katie then moved to Las Vegas, performing there again with The Second City. From Vegas, they hit the high seas performing with The Second City on Norwegian Cruise Lines, just like us! While we never were in a cast with them, we performed on the same ship and even stayed in the same cabin as they did, which meant we got their old shit that they left in the cabin. Finally, in 2010, they moved to LA to continue pursuing the acting dream.

Steve Kaminski

Steve and Katie are both actors, writers, improvisers, and comedians. They have appeared in TV commercials, movies, Funny or Die videos and much more. In addition to the work they do individually, they also have an improvised show they do together called “Neffinski” (see what they did there) which will “take you on an improvisational journey through their marriage”. Their words, not ours. In addition to Neffinski, Katie and Steve invite other improv couples into their relationship in a show called “Hollywood Swingers”. Steve performs with Andy St Clair and other guest improvisors in “Not Funny”. All these shows happen at Second City Hollywood, various dates and times. Katie also regularly plays throughout Los Angeles with her award winning all-bitch group, “Two Beer Queer” (again, their words, not ours). So keep your eyes open, you never know where they’ll appear next!

Katie Neff

When we visited LA back in 2011, Steve and Katie were incredibly generous enough to invite us to sit in with them at the Second City Hollywood, and then were even more generous enough to sit down and answer a few questions for us…and you! Meet Steve and Katie!

What’s the first moment that made you say, “Oh my God this person gets me?”

Katie - When we were laying in bed, post “snuggles”. We had both looked up at a poster and came up with two enduring bits that have lasted us 10 years. It was the first meeting of our comedic minds, and I loved it.

Steve – Katie and I took a trip to Ireland together about a year into our relationship. Although I know I felt it sooner than that, what comes to mind is the two weeks of making each other giggle and spending boat loads of money. I never liked Guinness before that trip. I feel it was the moment I knew this was going to be great a partnership. Then again, sometimes I wonder if she even does get me to this day. And 10 years later, we are still laying in bed giggling… Not at each others bodies. Get your mind out if the gutter.

Do you make each other laugh all the time at home?

Katie - YES! If we didn’t we would most likely be crying. The life of a clown, huh?

Steve – For years people have been asking us that. And I always dismissed it. But about a month ago I realized how lucky we really are. We really do laugh all day around the house. We are the funniest people I know.

Would you say you’re funnier on stage on at home?

Katie – Boy, that’s a tricky one. On stage we try to amp it up for sure, but it’s an interesting dynamic switching from love seat to the boards. (gross) I know what has just happened an hour before with Steve, the audience doesn’t, so I know that a lot of that gets revisited on stage for sure.

Steve – I want to say its pretty even. It’s just we don’t usually have an audience in our livingroom to help us judge how funny our “home bits” are.

Does the comedy come easier because you’re married?

Katie- That kind of comedy, yes. I’ve always fancied myself a comedic type person, but with Steve around encouraging my bits, it’s always nice to have someone around championing your bits. And he has such a great laugh. I try to hear it as much as I can.

Steve – 100% yes. It’s almost like cheating. I feel we know exactly what the other person is going for the second it comes out of their mouths. Even before that, sometimes by just looking at the other person. Also, it helps that I am married to the best improvisor in the world… And I’m a close second. Real close. Like, super close.

 How do you balance your “comedy life” with your “regular married life”

Katie - I tend to drop it. Nobody sees the “taxpaying Katie”, they only see the good time gal. Steve is a little more relaxed when it comes to the day today runnings of the estate. I could take a page out of his book. He’s the greatest ever.

Steve – I guess we just are the best ever at it, because its not something I am ever conscious of.

Describe the pros and cons of being married/in a relationship to a comedy partner.

Katie - Pros – Laugh a lot. Cons – Both being in the same industry, when there’s work it’s good. When there’s not, it’s tough.

Steve – I think one of the greatest things about being married to my comedy partner is having her there to bounce ideas off of. She really helps me find what is good/funny about things I am writing. There is nothing better than when I make her laugh. And I guess a con would be how she judges me constantly and refers to a lot of my material as “dad jokes”.

You guys did boats, like us. How did it affect the relationship, if at all?

Katie – We were engaged, not yet married so we thought if we can make it through this we can make it through anything. We made it… And here we are.

Steve – Man, I think it made our relationship stronger. Throughout our relationship, we have tried to spend almost every minute we can together. We just like each other. It felt like two years together in a room about the size of a bathroom might really put the relationship to the test. It was helpful to have each other to lean on in the tough times. And when things got tough, and we weren’t getting along, you could go take out your frustrations on the buffet. I ate a lot.

Anything else you’d like to add that you think would be fun?

Katie – Even with all the laughter and good times we have at home, we still do several shows together. And it’s some of the best work we do.

Steve – Katie goes poo-poo in the potty.

Perfect, Steve. Couldn’t have summed it up better ourselves.

Steve and Katie

For more about Katie and Steve or to find out about their shows, check out their websites.